Seriously...

Try this exercise.

Find the last time I reported profit in this blog (and no, that's not including the sarcastic $3 post)I made. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Okay, I think I found it, but the funny part is I wasn't really reporting a "profit". It was more an amusing anecdote about how "well" I played A-K. The only thing that really tipped me off to that being a "profit" post is because I went into the whole Prahlad Friedman rap in the end (if you really haven't seen it by now, click his name). I was happy, giddy like a little school girl in church.

I'm not saying that poker ever used to be easy. Quite the contrary. I remember nights getting my ass handed to me in the beginning when I first started playing. Shit, I even remember sometimes playing against Langan (a freqeunt commenter on this blog) and asking if I could check or not. Mis-read boards, out of position bets, the whole nine. I would give people money.

I guess what I'm saying is that I really shouldn't be struggling the way I am. My poker growth chart would go something like this, and I guess I've been playing consistently for, what, almost five years now:

My first year I played with Monopoly pieces while still learning the rules.

Between my first and second year I went from worst to maybe second best at my now disbanded home game (the best player in that game I don't think really plays anymore).

Between my second and third year I was inconsistent but every once in awhile I would show flashes of brilliance that would really make me think I can turn this into more than just a typical hobby. Coincidentally this is also when I started playing online for money.

And, then there's this year, the equivalent of my senior year at poker university, the year where I should have put together all of the inconsistency and maybe--just maybe--worked my bankroll into something substantial, not like six figure substantial but decent.

But, let's be real.

I have developed so many holes in my game over the course of the past year that I feel I'm beyond repair. If this isn't rock bottom, I do not want to know what that feels like. I've read all these books and watched all these movies and yet, I have no concept at all of what it really means to have and maintain a bankroll. I'll do something dumb like play $1-$2 knowing that I only have like $1200 in my real account. I've played all of these hands and yet, I still call with two pair with a straight or flush possibility on the board when it's OBVIOUS that I have to make that laydown. I read and read and read about not being too loose, or at least not loose passive, and here I go, limping from early position with 5-4 off-suit trying to hit God knows what on the flop. I bet when I should check, check when I should bet, get run over by bullies, etc., etc.

Dog. I fucking suck.

Unlike in previous years, I do not feel myself getting any better or growing as a poker player. I keep making the same dumbass mistakes that most reasonable people learn within minutes of learning how to play hold 'em. And, here's the kicker.

I've found a somewhat consistent home game, and with all honesty you know what? I am by far the worst player in that game. It's not even that tough a game! But, I am by far the absolute worst player in that game.

I can't even name a player I'm better than right now. I really can't.

I've got to stop kidding myself into thinking I can do anything with this game.